Lord, please help me! Was my thoughts before I slept yesterday night. I felt my desire of forming a good habit in reaching my “One Thing Goal” was slumping. That fire I had before working my online task as freelancer for almost four years was not the same as I had it, last February this year and the previous years.
What is happening to me?! This is not me? I have goals to achieve but that fire in my heart to do the things I usually do for over three years is almost dying. I wanted to let that fire burn as my faith in the Lord burns everyday when I do my work at home these previous years. I felt a very powerful mother that time.
My desire in doing my task was slumping and I lost my intimate connection with the Lord. What is happening to me?! I don’t like this feeling. Help me Lord. “This was my thoughts yesterday! While my kids were sleeping and after photocopying my son’s workbook for a review before going to school the next day, I tried to get my journal, I started writing my to do list. At the back of my mind, to do list again and I am not achieving them! That night my to do list for the next day was realistic. I learned it when I was making a book summary for a client. The book title was “One Thing” by Gary Keller and Jay Papasan. I learned that when we make everyday to do list, it should be:
- Can form a good habit towards my “One Thing Goal” that needs a long term hard work.
Before; my to do list didn’t include taking care of my kids or tutoring them, because I am very focused of completing the task and the penny that drops each time I turn on my time tracker. Yesterday, I am being honest to myself that I am not a superwoman anymore, who can work 8-10 hours a day and take care of my kids as well. Because, my eldest son is already in K1 and he needs follow up; my youngest also loves someone to read book for him. They always wanted to be with me when I am at home.
I realized that aside from working at home I should prioritize my two kids more than before( three years ago) because, they are growing up and they are forming their values and emotional strength as well. It would be a consequence if I let them watch educational youtube videos more than four hours a day. I should take the challenge watching over them and making them feel the love of their father working overseas. My to do list has only four hours work – obligatory; and I do it while waiting my eldest son’s school break. Then, when I am at home, it’s a mothers task. Read books, play with them, jogging, playing tennis and trying to insert gardening (I hope, I can make this). And, if there would be somebody to look after my kids, I can work or do stuffs like blogging, do some work when needed, reading and applying for projects online. I think this is the best to do list I can achieved everyday. And may be this, will bring the fire in my heart again connecting to the real world and situation in my life. Not just computer, house, mall; computer, house, mall.
After doing my to do list, I went to the toilet and saw the bible in the Altar. I got it and ask God’s guidance to talk to me. Lord, please talk to me, I closed my eyes asking his Holy Spirit; tried to open the bible without any bible verse in my thought. In my prayer whichever verse my hands flipped through it was the message that the Lord was trying to convey. It was about Baal and idols, I told myself, ” I don’t believe in Baal’s, this is not a message for me”. I prayed again and flip through , I opened Hosea 2, it was still about Baal. “Oh, why is this? ” when I tried to flip through again, a message deep within me “money is also a form of Baal” . I Stopped and read back each word in Hosea 2.
I started flashing back my attitude towards work and how I value faith. And these verse strikes my heart. Reminding me that this previous months I lost connection with the Lord; I was so focused of earning more and working hard. I forgot to praise him first day in the morning and before bed time.
Now, it seems that I could not go through pursuing my goals because I lost my desire to go through opportunities are also like blocking my way. My wisdom and perseverance and that fire to push through are slowly vanishing. And these verses hit my heart! I simply forget the Lord who was my husband when I was trying to start my freelancing career.
I want to go back to myself before; and work with faith. I am there trying to build back the habit of praying before working and while working. Bringing back all the glory to him; after all these opportunities I have came from him.
As I end this note. I am about the complete my half day to do list for this day.
I need to end now, my eldest son is already waiting for me in school.
Later, I need to complete my other half day to do list and prioritized my thoughts completing my motherhood task.